Why I Go to Therapy and More Thoughts On What It Means to Process

/ Chris / Leave a comment

I’m sitting in the waiting area of the counseling center where I meet with my therapist at four o’clock every Monday afternoon.

I have my regular Flat White that I get from Starbucks on my way (if I didn’t have time to stop by the legendary Civil Coffee for their delicious black coffee).

To my left, there’s an old guy tapping on an iPad with his forefinger. To my right there’s a handsome fellow with a salt-and-pepper beard filling out the paperwork. Next to him is a boy with that 10-11 year old chubbiness. His Mom is sitting catty corner with a concerned pride in her eyes. You know the kind of look only moms give.

The thing that always strikes me when I sit here is the normal-ness of everyone. No one looks sickly or agitated or depressed.

It makes me wonder why they’re here. Did they experience a death close to them? Are they having a midlife crisis?

Are the kids being bullied at school? Were their parents divorced? Do they struggle with intense self-worth or anxiety like so many kids their age these days?

I want to both cry, imagining what they must have experienced, and tell them I’m so proud of them for being healthy enough to get help.

I think through all the reasons these normal people are getting therapy and then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think, “Well, you look kind of normal. Why are you getting therapy?”

I’m sometimes kind of sheepish about using the word “therapy.” It sounds so clinical and dramatic. You don’t, typically “go to therapy” unless something crazy happened to you (even though you probably should anyways).

Despite this, I’m trying to be as open and honest about it as I would about anything else I do. It’s making me process life at a level and with a greater bird’s-eye perspective than when I’m slogging through life moment by moment.

Which is why I go.

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Think the Scary Thoughts

/ Chris / 1 Comment

My therapist recently pointed out that I avoid talking about certain topics.

This didn’t surprise me. I’ve been doing that for years.

When there’s something I don’t know how to process, I just shut it down and run away. Which usually means I turn on a podcast or Netflix or Amazon Prime. Sometimes it’s just easier to escape what scares me than to face it head on.

I think this is why I’ve found it so hard to write any long form posts or do any vlogging over the past year or so. For example, last Saturday I recorded a vlog and rambled on for twenty minutes about nothing. I felt lost in my own head.

That sounds melodramatic, I know, but it’s true. That’s kind of how my brain is right now in this season of life. I have lots and lots of thoughts and feelings but I’m kind of lost as to what to do or where to go with it all.

Which is terrifying in itself because my job is literally to process thoughts. To think about ideas and talk about it on paper… yet that’s exactly what I’ve been running away from.

I’ve never actually put it in those terms before. (I’m getting this for the first time with you guys!) This past year, I’ve been facing the biggest writer’s block of my life and maybe the reason is because my brain is loaded down with all kinds of mental “laundry,” as it were, that I’m refusing to deal with.

It’s hard to get work done when your workspace is completely cluttered with non-work related junk. (In this scenario, the workspace is my brain.)

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So Help Me God, I Will Go Nowhere Else

/ Chris / 1 Comment
I have no interest in maintaining traditional beliefs or values simply for the sake of carrying on tradition or because my parents taught me that way.
 
Neither do I have any interest in throwing away values and beliefs or adopting a progressive worldview simply because I am disgruntled with people in my past or with theological systems or with churches.
 
Nor am I interested in following the ever-restless crowd or my ever-fickle feelings.
 
What I am interested in is following Jesus.
 
I want Jesus. I want all of Jesus. And I want Jesus to have all of me. My entire heart, body, mind, and theology.
 
I will stand where He stands as revealed by the Holy Spirit in Scripture; I will go where he goes; and I will stay where he stays; and so help me God, I will go nowhere else.
 

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Just Sit With Me in the Ashes Here

/ Chris / 7 Comments

Sometimes it’s really hard to know what to say to people who are grieving. I still struggle, even though I’ve been on the receiving end of it.

But I was remembering something, recently, and it reminded me of something anyone can do.

The day my Mom died, after my sister and I were released from the hospital, we went back to the Miller’s house and pulled all the furniture together and spent the rest of the afternoon sitting like that. We sat there until we all went together to pick up my brother Marcel and his new wife Krista from the airport.

I remember my cousin Ellis coming. If my memory holds up, he was traveling in for the wedding and hadn’t heard anything until he was greeted at the airport by a stranger and informed about what had happened.

Others came and went spending hours trying to find things lost at the accident site or making meals or helping pick up the slack for the wedding still happening in four days and the funeral in three. The generosity and kindness of strangers still blows my mind six years later.

But one man sticks out in my memory. I can’t remember exactly who he was let alone recall his name. He came into Miller’s house and sat down on the couch in our little circle. I was a little afraid at first that I’d have to think of something to say. It’s funny how much work it is to respond to simple gestures of love and kindness during times of mourning.

But this man was different. Continue reading →

“What If My Life Is a Failure?” Dealing with Anxiety and Fear

/ Chris / 4 Comments

“Next episode playing in 15…14…13…”

I turned my head to see my alarm clock across the room. The big red “2:00 am” glared at me through the darkness. I knew staying up late watching Netflix was a terrible habit. I knew I was gonna hate myself in the morning, but the distraction was too enticing at the moment. Besides, it wasn’t like I’d be able to sleep anyways.

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Why Great Girls Sometimes Turn Down Great Guys (TheRebelution.com)

/ Chris / 1 Comment

“Something must be wrong with me.”

That’s what every guy is tempted to think when a girl turns down his request for a date.

“She’s great and doesn’t like me,” we think. “Therefore, something must be wrong with me that needs to be fixed.”

To our logic-oriented male brains, this is the only plausible explanation. It doesn’t make sense to us why two high caliber people couldn’t make a great couple. Yet, it’s not uncommon for a girl to turn down a solid, godly man (or to even break up with him if they’re already dating).

Why do they do that? I’ve wondered this for several years because I’ve experienced this exact predicament. And, like many guys, I’ve had to wrestle through that gut-wrenching feeling that “something is wrong with me.” Continue reading →

“It’s a Jesus Story” Revisited

/ Chris / 12 Comments

Prelude:

In the wake of hearing about too many relationships devastated by immorality and its cover-ups, I couldn’t handle it any longer.

“If we have truly been redeemed and forgiven at the cross by the creator of the universe, why are we hiding our stories?” I asked myself and my family.

Frustrated to the point of anger upon hearing of men who cower in the shadows of their past (which is supposedly redeemed), I suddenly had an idea. It was one of the scariest things I had ever done. Apart from my family and a handful of friends, I had never shared it with anyone. I was sure people would reject me, that no girl would ever accept me after this, that I would lose face—but I knew I had to do it.

So on March 21, 2013 I put into practice what I had learned two months before in “Grieving” and shared one of my darkest secrets. To my surprise, it dramatically changed my life for he better and very well might have saved my faith.

It was this story that caught the attention of Brett Harris and gave him the nudge to ask if I’d write for TheRebelution.com, which has, in itself, changed my life.

I thought I was sharing my story, but in reality, it isn’t mine at all…

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“Grieving” Revisited

/ Chris / 13 Comments

Prelude: 

I published this piece on my old blog two months and a couple weeks after my Mom died on November 6, 2012.

Written during the throes of the deepest grief I’ve experienced, I find my old thoughts still ringing true today. Yet in other ways, I am encouraged by the progress I see. In the second paragraph I talked about many of us not being willing to share honestly about the battles we faced. In the five years since I wrote this, I think that’s changed–at least among my friends. We are much quicker to “just be real.” It may even be to a fault, but I think I’d rather people be a little too honest about their struggles, then try to pretend they’re totally okay or perfect when they’re not. (I don’t know, what are your thoughts? Am I right about the change in atmosphere?)

From the very first two paragraphs, I can see the hand of God weaving a thread through my story that would eventually lead me to make a major, life-changing decision (watch for my next “Revisited” post a week from now).

I pray this is a comfort to those of you going through the same.

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Every Boy Needs a Woman to Give Flowers To

/ Chris / 2 Comments

I’ve learned something about the hearts of little boys (and men in general) by watching my little niños here in Bolivia.

Every boy needs a woman to give flowers to.

I’m convinced it’s as fulfilling for the boy to give flowers as it is for the woman to receive them.

Here’s why I say that…

I never thought about it, but my childhood was full of little indications that a strong, gentle woman was watching out for me. My laundry was always clean, folded, and waiting for me on my bed. My pants were mended, my stomach filled, and my collar straightened (if not by Mom, then by another woman at church in the row behind me). These were little subconscious reminders that I was cared for and secure–that I had a mother.

Here at the children’s home, we struggle between the tension of wanting the boys to learn responsibility while not wanting to rob them of that special care and attention only a woman can give.

Is having them do things such as their own laundry (paltry amounts every day), a creative way to teach them responsibility and independence or are we taking away a seemingly insignificant but important woman’s touch in their lives?

Of course, Father figures (in this case, me and Levi) should be gentle and caring. The myth leftover from the 60s of masculinity being about Schwarzenegger muscles and brute power is absolute rubbish. True masculinity is gentle and caring. Still, for heaven’s sake, I can’t be a mother to these boys nor should I try to be.

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